Elite Eight In-Game Blog Party (cont’d)

Kentucky-WVU about to tip.  Enberg’s dropping the starting lineups.  I’m a bit fired up.  Cocktails flowing.  Only things missing are maybe some Andrea Bocelli arias, a keg to hump, and at least one additional live human being.

Enberg’s Verizon LG pre-tip promo pales drastically in comparison to Gus Johnson’s.  LIFE’S…gooooooood.

No wager parties in the balance.  Keeping this in-game blog amusing is my only driving motivation behind carefully following this second game.  I desperately want to see a tight one (that’s what…he said?).

A theme underlying the entirety of this tourney so far: the officials’ legitimate hesitation to blow the whistle.  Part of me enjoys the refreshing physicality of these games; the other part of me starts to worry when several startlingly toe the line between basketball and no-holds-barred street fight.

11-6, Kentucky.  A reliable source, friend, and WVU alum insists Bob Huggins is a raging, off-the-charts-creepy boozehound.  The DUI probably peeled off one layer, but apparently it goes much deeper.  I don’t think he’s Larry Eustachy-level “chummy with the coeds” type party-coach…more like  leering at coeds alone in the corner, possibly-comatose-type party-coach.  To his credit, no female student groping parties have been reported.  Stay tuned.

Fuck, this game’s still going on.

Dennis Kilicli’s just checked in for WVU.  Look at the shit that’s sprouting around his face and chin.  He’s a Turkish Baron Davis.

Dick Enberg drops this informative nugget:  apparently John Wall went with #11 on his jersey because the two “L”s in his last name reminded him of two “1”s.  Pretty perceptive.

John Wa11 just egregiously violated the backcourt.  No call.  He’s not in the NBA yet, refs.  Fuck.  Replay/multiple DVR rewinds confirmed…off Joe Mazzulla’s right hand, then off Wall’s left foot/shin.

Patrick Patterson attempts a confusing backwards “assist” to Mazzulla as he breaks free towards the WVU hoop, John Wa11 with a nice block.

WVU with nary a 2-point field goal.  There are under seven minutes remaining in the half.  And they’re only down four.  This entire tournament has been an offensive drought.  Not sure why anyone would bet an over.  Unless you tease it down and are mentally retarded.

Dick Enberg clarifies that 5 3-point field goals equals 15 points.  “5 times 3 equals 15.”  Glad to hear that at 97 years of age, Dick hasn’t shredded the piece of brain matter that can recall multiplication tables.  I kid because I love; he’s fantastic.

“3 squared…3 cubed…mathematically, 3 is better than 2,” instructs Dick as Da’Sean Butler drains WVU’s 7th three (still no twos).  Not sure it can get much better than an in-game remedial algebra lesson from Mr. Enberg.

Bill “can financially support him”Self to provide some halftime analysis shortly.  Are we sure he’s qualified?

Severely wished I had the audio for DeAndre Liggins’ technical foul.

Halftime score: WVU 28, Kentucky 26.  WVU: 0-15 from 2, 8-15 from 3.  What the fuck is going on.  Harvey’s standing at the front of my apartment, his face millimeters away from the door, breathing violently through his nostrils like Hannibal Lecter or a rapist.  Let’s take him outside and check for his acceptance letter to Duke University.

Gotta top off this cocktail.  Out of Monster.  Good thing Red Bull is also at the Helen Reddy in my sparkling refrigerator.

Fuck!  I completely forgot this was Dick Enberg’s last NCAAB telecast!  I really will miss Dick.  A jovial dude whose immense love for basketball is paralleled only by his rapid and hilarious rate of dementia.  Stick around one more March, Dick.  I’m begging you.

And, as if this couldn’t get any better, the Mayor of Syracuse declared March 27th to be Dick Enberg Day.  Too much to digest here.

Demarcus Cousins just steered this game into homoerotic territory, attempting to give Butler an in-game hand job and smacking him hard across the nuts in the process.  “Obviously not intentional,” adds Jay Bilas.  Glad we cleared that up.

18:06 in the 2nd half, WVU hits its first 2-pointer.

40-31 WVU, 14:46 remaining.  Kentucky is emotionally deteriorating.  They’re entering “stomping around, crying toddler” territory.  Demarcus Cousins is acting like a little bitch.

Quick tangent…I watched the movie “Brothers” last night (Gyllenhall, Portman, Spiderman in lead roles).  It really speaks to my puzzling and unquantifiable hatred of Tobey Maguire that he could be so spectacular in this film and upon its conclusion I actually hated him more.  What a douche.   Solid flick though.

Patterson throws in a garbage 2 in the paint to cut WVU’s lead to 5 while Enberg and Bilas awkwardly riff about Mazzulla and Wall starring in their own comedy show together.  REALLY don’t want Dick to go.

12:11 remaining.  47-36, WVU.  Kentucky is 0-13 from 3-point range.  Wa11 is 3-12 with 10 points and a quick close-up shot of his face curiously reveals large, NBA dollar-sign pupils.  Not sure he cares.

Funny I should say that…on cue, an absurd fast-break/penetration/off-balance finish by Wa11.  Breathtaking and nonchalant at the same time.  I want to see him in November.

A nice extended Keystone Cop, hot-potato basketball sequence headed into the under 8:00 timeout.  Apparently the ball is coated in feces or some sort of chlamydia.

Would love to see a close finish here but up until this point Kentucky has refused to make a focus party.  Down 8, 7:00 to go.

Eric (no discernible relation to Drew) Bledsoe bricks two free throws.  WVU up 12, 5:20 left.

Make that 14.  Warm up the Lexington bus!!

I really wish Dick had a better game to go out on…the ‘Cats are 11-23 from the free-throw line, 0-20 from 3.  Wa11, Cousins and Patterson have all mentally left the building to daydream about June and  shaking hands with David Stern.

Bilas is putting forth a valiant effort to retain CBS viewership.  “THIS GAME IS FAR FROM OVER.”  WVU up 14, 3:38 remaining.  Love your work Jay, but…

Well, let’s see here…first three made by Kentucky…4.76% from beyond the arc…violating the backcourt party on WVU…Kentucky ball, down 11…

Mountaineers really seizing the opportunity to slam the door on Kentucky here…or the exact opposite…’Cats only down 7, 1:43 left…

Apparently WVU has the only black dude on Planet Earth named “Wellington”…he makes 1 of 2 free throws, Wa11 “kisses” a three-pointer off the glass…Kentucky down 7…1:14 left…come on, let’s send Dickie E out in style!!

Money-line Butler-WVU parlay would have been sexy.  I make terrible bets all the time, how did I manage to avoid that one??

Kentucky did everything but chainsaw Butler’s arms off and no call for damn near 8 seconds.  COME ON, IT’S FUCKING DICK ENBERG DAY.

Book it.  WVU and Butler have punched their Final Four tickets.  Ridiculous.

One underrated highlight?  Joe Mazzulla damn near octupling(??) his season scoring average (2.2) with a career-high of 17.

Goodnight, Dick.  Appreciate the math lesson.  Really wish you would have slipped up and called WVU the West Mountain Virginianeers.  You were eloquent and flawless, and that’s not like you at all.

Kentucky from 3: 4-32, 12.5%